(The very start 0-6) When my mother was 4 months pregnant with me, it is said that she was severely beaten by her husband . This was not uncommon, but more severe this time because I was an unwanted addition ( i don't know if this is true but this is what she always told me growing up, and what she told authority's).
My mother fled her husband with my brother, and set up a new life giving birth to me 5 months later in 1980.
I obviously cannot remember my very early years of life but can comment on what is recorded in my child protection file.
It is noted that my mother struggled to care for me and my brother, there are comments of allegations of abuse sustained on visits with my birth father and there are notes relating to abuse and neglect by my mother.
I have memories from age 4 onwards. In 1984 my mother married my step father and around the same time gave birth to a female child, we moved town and my parents purchased a home. I have very vivid memories of the chores I had to do as a 4yr old child, my step father and mother were very harsh my brother and I would spend hours weeding large gardens, sweeping and scrubbing floors, carting wood and doing laundry.
I remember my little fingers stinging from the cuts I would get from pulling weeds from the concrete beside the house, the terrible smell of my baby sisters poo as I hosed her nappies before washing them by hand. I remember the pains in my stomach from going hungry because I didn’t complete my chores on time or to the standard required of me.
I remember sleeping outside on a filthy mattress in the dead of winter because I had wet the bed, freezing with no blankets just a sheet. I would crawl under the mattress and lay on the cold cement pavement just to keep warm.
My step father would tell me I was dirty and a pig unfit to be in his home, I would be made to bath in less than an inch of water saturated with pine disinfectant, the smell to this day still makes me ill.
Life for me was very hard and I wasn’t even 5 yet. I was a serial runaway, often reported as missing. I would go to the police and tell them my story but it fell on deaf ears, I was returned to my parents every time, and would get a beating to within an inch of my life.
One day when I was almost 6 I remember the ambulance officers coming to my school, they did a talk about safety and how it was dangerous to play with chemicals and so on. sadly this talk taught me one thing, I could take action and end my life........to me nobody cared so why would it matter, they wouldn’t miss me anyway.
About a week or so later I had spotted where my father stored his medication in the bathroom cabinet. Later that night (early hours of the morning) after everyone was asleep I snuck inside and stole the bottle of pills. I sat in my sister’s room taking each of the capsules one by one until all 88 were gone.
At 6am I was down the backyard commencing my chores for the day, weeding the large veggie patch with my brother at the very end of the yard I remember the very dizzy feeling, swaying and being unable to walk or stand properly. I remember trying to speak and then my step father yelling at me swearing at me "stop being a F....in lazy turd " do your job!!, I couldn’t stop and he soon ran at me and all I remember is the pain as he dragged me by my hair across the gravel hundreds of meters, up the concrete path, up the back step and on to the kitchen floor where I then lay unconscious.
I woke up in the ambulance briefly searching for my teddy and didn’t wake again till a day or so later in the intensive care unit at the base hospital. My little body was scratched and grazed, covered in chords hooked up to machines, there was a clump of hair missing from my head and I was battered and bruised.
Once I was well I returned home to my family, but nothing was different. My files indicate that reports were made, docs were aware but the case was closed due to my parents stating the injuries occurred whilst having a seizure caused by the overdose. My parents were instructed on how to securely store poisons and it was left at that.
According to my child protection file over 30 risk of harm reports for various forms of abuse had been reported to the department, over half were substantiated but the file was always closed.
So this was my life until age 5-6 some 18mnths ago I made this you tube clip relating to the story I have just told.
Please forgive the quality, I’m no tech wiz when I learn how to do it better I will re do the clip.
For today I will leave it here and will post more of my story in the coming days.
Remember this "just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist".